Stupid
by JalliCali
Summary: Dear Daddy, I really just wanted to please you. You really just wanted me to feel worthless. Well, you did...
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR NOTE:**_ I am in need of some mind stimulation. Writing helps me do that. I really think Alli is way more complex than anyone on the show no matter how much I dislike her. Its probably the way she corresponds with Mr. Dimarco. _

* * *

I can't fathom how my life has been up to this point. I let people step all over my heart. I want to sit in my closet and tell the monsters behind my clothes to eat me and don't leave a speck of evidence that you did so. I want someone to chase me, to love me, to understand me.

* * *

My dad looks at me with those guilt trippers ever sense I told him my secrets. I read him and mother my diary word from word. Fragments of my imagination, pieces of poems I tried so hard to create. He just looks at me now. Given up on his once perfect daughter. I've been through a series of events that will torture me long pass my adult years.

"Good morning Daddy." I said grabbing a plate of eggs. "I finished my paper on French monarchy; I know you love that kind of stuff. Do you wanna read it?" I knew the answer would be no. He can barely talk to me now.

"I'd hold out on that. Show me and 'A' on top of it and I'll read it." His voice was so dry.

"Daddy, you know this class—"

"I want an 'A' is that too much to ask? Damn Alliah, you get stupider every day." He cut off.

"I'll see you later daddy. Clare's walking me to school."

I know I should be angry at him but see he has mom on his side. He has Sav on his side. He has the school on his side. He has everyone. I have nothing but my broken fixtures. I am trying so hard to please everyone.

I walk out the house to an awaiting Clare. She was with Jake again. I gave the both a smirk and walked ahead of them. She's been dating him for about 2 months and she's been happy. I'm happy for her. I preferred Eli but she did what was best for her. We've had a distant friendship since I broke up with Drew. That's when everything got crazy for me. At school on day someone wrote "tease" on my locker. I spent the whole day hiding in the bathroom, Stale #3, my favorite. I eat lunch in there sometimes with my ipod in my ear and my feet up so no one would know I was in there. I got use to the smell. I would eat with Jenna, KC, Dave or even Johnny if I could. They would ask me question I couldn't answer, especially Johnny. The always wondered how life been for since the Drew incident. Where my father was call and my file read all the dirty things Drew and I did together while roaming the halls of Degrassi. Or should I say Boiler room?

* * *

"I think we should leave, I have my dad's car today." Drew said while feeling up my leg.

I kissed his lips briefly and replied, "No one is at my house."

"Let's go babe." He grabbed my hand and we scurried out the back doors of Degrassi.

This was one of the many times we ditched school for sex. I couldn't get enough of Drew's pulsating touch, light kisses, and vulgar foreplay. It was enticing. I loved every inch of him. My mom never noticed the bite marks on my chest. I made sure everyone at school did. I held his hand and left my school shirt open for enough cleavage to show my hickies. I was penalized with detention for public displays of affections and wearing my uniform in the most revealing ways possible.

One time in particular, Drew and I had sex before school. I brought extra panties to his house that morning and showered with him. My first shower with a boy, I smiled at every moment. It had to be the most pleasurable moment I've ever had. It was something about the water that made him even more lustful. He was animal like as well.

Another time we had sex was with another girl. She was from our school. Curly hair, sneakers and lip gloss, Bianca. I did it for Drew, it was our year anniversary, and he always wanted a threesome. I didn't mind because at that particular moment, he was everything to me. I felt weird afterwards but, he was happy. He glowed for 3 months, I was happy to be the reason for it.

Our first time together, you'd think it was at some sleazy park in a van, but he put effort into making it special for me. Does it sound crazy if I say it took us having sex to have me fall completely and total in love with him? He was being perfect. He candle lite his room. Put rose pedals on the bed, bought my sexy pajamas and made chocolate cover fruits. Even though it was painful and awkward I was able to talk to him afterwards, I didn't feel dirty or worthless.

"I want you forever Alliah Bhandari." He whispered that into my ear right after our first time.

"I love you Drew Torres." I whispered that back.

"I love you too Alli."

But where did everything go wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note: last chapter had a lost of mistakes. :\ sorry about that! I'm sorry I am taking to long to get to the point of stuff. Next chapter (after this short one :P) should be amazing ;). Reviews? Please? **

**Disclaimer****: I wish I owned Degrassi. **

* * *

His lips would trace down my collar bone and make circles around my stomach. It was a tease and I hated it. He always took too long to get to the point. I yarned for everything but he found pleasure in my frustration. He would play with my underwear but never take them off. He'd lick between my thighs and stop, leaving me _panting_. He secretly got off just by doing that.

* * *

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I do silly, I wouldn't spend so much time with if I didn't" He replied.

"No, I mean enough to make some sacrifices?" He gave me a blank stare.

"What do you want to try new things because I am totally up for –"

"No! Drew, do you never not think about sex at all?" He face was stuck again. "I mean we are way more than that right?" I grabbed his hand and held it.

"I thought you liked it." He paused. "Alli, I will do absolutely anything that makes you happy."

I kissed him. "So we are taking a break from sex."

He continued to kiss me. "Just one more time." He said between light pecks.

We began to kiss more and more. Each time we heated up. He unbuttoned my shirt slowly until I was bare. He caressed my breast with small strokes. I pulled his shirt off and got on top of him. Our bare chests rubbed together as we continued to kiss. I liked this, feeling his heart beat against my skin.

* * *

"Alli? Are you okay? You look a little pale. Why don't you lie down?" The nurse was trying to get my attention. I come in the afternoon on days when I feel that weird pressure on my chest.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She slipped me two little blue pills. I called them sad suckers because afterward I feel light and carefree.

"If you feel anymore anxiety today Alli just come here and I'll give you a pass to go home. Okay?" I nodded.

Every time I'm in here I feel sick. I wish everything would stop. But it don't, instead it feels like a 50 pound baby is taking a walk on my chest. Like I've gotten in to a fight and someone pulled clots of my hair out. I try to hold my breath. I don't want anyone to hear the pain in my inhales. I close my eyes as tight as I could and swallowed my sad away.

"Can I go home Nurse? I don't think I can handle the rest of the day?" I lied.

"Sure I'll write you up a pass." She turned away to her notepad.

I walk out the building relived. I think I want to go to the beach, no the park, no the trail. The orange leaves and warm air made it the perfect day to do just anything. I twirled when I was outside, yes twirled. I stretched my arms out as far I could and turned in circles, over and over. I don't care how dizzy I would get I was more free today than any other. I took an inhale and for the first time my heart was yarning for more. _Yarning_. I would sacrifice a whole day of my life to die this free.

I collected myself and began my walk to the trail. It was right behind the ravine.

* * *

"Do you like to see me like this? Want me to BEG?" he sounded so desperate.

"Stop arguing with me. I thought we were on the same page with this Drew! I can't!" I yelled.

"You had no problem with it before." He paused. "You got someone else?"

"Fuck you Drew. You're fucking insane you know this? I can't even be civilized with my boyfriend of almost two years. Why can't we just hold off on the sex, we lasted this long."

"What a month isn't enough? What's the point of all this anyway? You've did it before." He had a psycho look in his eyes.

"Want us to be more than just those two teens in love fucking each other brains out. We are way more than that babe." I grabbed his hands and entwined them with mine.

"Honestly, I love you. Why can't we just continue to love each other like we use too." He smirked.

"I think we should wait longer. See how things work out, ya know?"

"Damnit Alli." He let go of my hands and left me in his room.


End file.
